Do you have a favorite small-town anecdote from Jefferson or anywhere else? How about a funny story or joke pertaining to small towns or rural Iowa? Keep it clean!
Everett Reynolds, then a farmer near Grand Junction, told of someone stealing gasoline in the middle of winter. He stayed up for 16 cold January nights to nab the culprit. The sentence- 15 days. So Everett would say, he got 16 nights, the thief got 15 days.
We stole a 16 gallon keg from Carl's while he was half-lit tending bar. Later, we returned and invited him to an after hours party that had a free keg. He showed up and even brought fireworks, if I remember correctly. Later, we returned the empty keg to get our deposit back.
What would be funny would be somebody driving their car out on the iced-over river, then breaking through and having to get towed out. Then letting the car dry out and driving it around after it smelled like river water.
What is actually pretty cool about this episode is that after sinking in the river and being towed, the car was left to dry. We bought a new battery, sprayed the carb with ether, fired it off and drove away. Doubt that could happen with any cars these days. Thank God for old Buicks.
Here's something funny about Jefferson - a population of about 4,000 (tops) and at least ten churches. Wow. At that rate the metro Des Moines area would have 1,000 churches.
I remember getting together for a game of strip poker with some neighborhood girls and Diamond Dave in Jefferson back in the day, and one of the gals showed up in a one-piece bathing suit and nothing else. She was the fat chick.
A priest's car broke down at night in the middle of nowhere. He walked for miles and came across a farmstead, where he knocked on the door and asked for lodging till the morning. The farmer looked him up and down and finally said, "The only place available is to share a bed with my 23 year old daughter, but I don't want no funny business." The priest took him up on his offer and thanked him. Nothing happened. Go figure.
A farmer mortgaged his farm to give his daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, the farmer was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Pa - I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your ma and I made to give you a good education, you still say ain't."
After living in a remote area of Greene County all his life, an old farmer decided it was time to visit the big city. So he headed to Jefferson and in one of the stores, picked up a mirror.
Not knowing what it was he remarked, "How about that. Here's a picture of my daddy!" He bought the mirror, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning he would go out and look at it before heading into the fields. His wife began to get suspicious of all these extra trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's been runnin' around with!"
An out-of town visitor stops at a local Jefferson hotel to spend the night. He finds he can't sleep, due to a drip from a nearby faucet. He goes downstairs to complain to the man at the desk.
A woman walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey where'd you get the pig?" The woman says, "It isn't a pig, it's a duck." The bartender says, "No, I was talking to the duck."
A pirate walks into a bar with a captain's wheel crammed down the front of his pants. The bartender says, "Why do you have a captain's wheel crammed down the front of your pants? The pirate says, "Aargh - it's driving me nuts!"
I have noticed since Jefferson Iowa News has expanded to facebook that most of the facebook readers do not seem to share the sense of humor we do on our web site.
I have reprinted obviously satirical stories from the web archives to facebook, only to have facebook readers inundate us with comments showing that they do not get the joke.
thats easy, people see the facebook site as more of a walk down memory lane, pride of the way there city once was, and over here its an ANTI jefferson site, smug, making fun off our town and the people, hence the carla offenburger looks like pat photo OUCH!!
You have a younger audience over here on the Jefferson Iowa News web site. They are not all living in Jefferson, and don't feel that attached to it. Some people, believe it or not, actually did not enjoy living in Jefferson. This seems to be an outlet for them.
People still living in Jtown should take a minute or two and listen tom their complaints. Don't automatically assume everything is perfect in Jefferson and nothing can be improved upon.
Man at the bar gets up out of his seat. The bartender asks if he is leaving and would like to pay his tab. The patron says, "No, I'm just going to the bathroom to take a Perry."
The bartender says, "Don't forget to wipe your Carroll."
Shecky Green used to say that Frank Sinatra was the nicest man he had ever met. In fact, Frank had saved his life. Once, when a couple thugs were beating him up within an inch of his life, he overheard Frank in the background saying, "OK, boys, that's enough ..."
Here's a 7.5 on the uncomfortable local humor Richter scale.
Mid 1970's 3 local guys are walking along the south side of the square, minding their own business. One of them, a bit of a ladies' man, 50-55 years old, notices an attractive young lady a block away, walking towards them.
He exclaims to his friends, "Look at those knockers!" As she gets close, he starts turning many shades of red. The gal with the knockers is his daughter!
His friends let him off the hook and make no endless, derisive comments.
41 comments:
You know Jefferson is a small town because every house built after 1990 is called a "new" house.
Everett Reynolds, then a farmer near Grand Junction, told of someone stealing gasoline in the middle of winter. He stayed up for 16 cold January nights to nab the culprit. The sentence- 15 days. So Everett would say, he got 16 nights, the thief got 15 days.
We stole a 16 gallon keg from Carl's while he was half-lit tending bar. Later, we returned and invited him to an after hours party that had a free keg. He showed up and even brought fireworks, if I remember correctly. Later, we returned the empty keg to get our deposit back.
What would be funny would be somebody driving their car out on the iced-over river, then breaking through and having to get towed out. Then letting the car dry out and driving it around after it smelled like river water.
What is actually pretty cool about this episode is that after sinking in the river and being towed, the car was left to dry. We bought a new battery, sprayed the carb with ether, fired it off and drove away. Doubt that could happen with any cars these days. Thank God for old Buicks.
Do you find people's sense of humor different in small towns as compared to large cities?
You used to be able to get real funny stories from Floyd the barber. He had some good ones. After that you probably had to turn to Goober or Howard.
Here's something funny about Jefferson - a population of about 4,000 (tops) and at least ten churches. Wow. At that rate the metro Des Moines area would have 1,000 churches.
I remember getting together for a game of strip poker with some neighborhood girls and Diamond Dave in Jefferson back in the day, and one of the gals showed up in a one-piece bathing suit and nothing else. She was the fat chick.
"Larry's Fine Foods"
"The Bistro"
"The Jefferson Iowa News"
- all fine samples of small town humor
A priest's car broke down at night in the middle of nowhere. He walked for miles and came across a farmstead, where he knocked on the door and asked for lodging till the morning. The farmer looked him up and down and finally said, "The only place available is to share a bed with my 23 year old daughter, but I don't want no funny business." The priest took him up on his offer and thanked him. Nothing happened. Go figure.
A farmer mortgaged his farm to give his daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, the farmer was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Pa - I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your ma and I made to give you a good education, you still say ain't."
After living in a remote area of Greene County all his life, an old farmer decided it was time to visit the big city. So he headed to Jefferson and in one of the stores, picked up a mirror.
Not knowing what it was he remarked, "How about that. Here's a picture of my daddy!" He bought the mirror, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning he would go out and look at it before heading into the fields. His wife began to get suspicious of all these extra trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's been runnin' around with!"
An out-of town visitor stops at a local Jefferson hotel to spend the night. He finds he can't sleep, due to a drip from a nearby faucet. He goes downstairs to complain to the man at the desk.
"Hey, buddy - I gotta leak in my sink!" he says.
"Go ahead," replied the clerk.
Ebonics Lesson
Today's word - "omelette", as in:
"I should pop yo ass, but omelette dis one slide."
I still think John Rowland's hair is keeping folks from moving to Jefferson.
Is Ken Molle considered the local golf pro at Raccoon Valley?
Is it Ken Molle or Ken Mohel?
Ebonics Lesson -
Today's word - "hotel", as in:
"I gave my girl da crabs an' the hotel everyone."
Word of the day - "payment". "I hit on his girl and he knocked me to the payment."
Ebonics Lesson -
Today's word - "dictate", as in:
"yo, ho, how my dictate?"
A woman walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey where'd you get the pig?" The woman says, "It isn't a pig, it's a duck." The bartender says, "No, I was talking to the duck."
No, it goes like this:
A pirate walks into a bar with a captain's wheel crammed down the front of his pants. The bartender says, "Why do you have a captain's wheel crammed down the front of your pants? The pirate says, "Aargh - it's driving me nuts!"
I have noticed since Jefferson Iowa News has expanded to facebook that most of the facebook readers do not seem to share the sense of humor we do on our web site.
I have reprinted obviously satirical stories from the web archives to facebook, only to have facebook readers inundate us with comments showing that they do not get the joke.
Why is this?
thats easy, people see the facebook site as more of a walk down memory lane, pride of the way there city once was, and over here its an ANTI jefferson site, smug, making fun off our town and the people, hence the carla offenburger looks like pat photo OUCH!!
The Carla Offenberger/Pat lookalike was actually the brainchild of Diamond Dave, a true blue Jeffersonian.
(Regarding the Pat/Carla photo)In the words of my dear friend Larry The CableGuy.....I dunt kare who ya are, thats funny right there.
You have a younger audience over here on the Jefferson Iowa News web site. They are not all living in Jefferson, and don't feel that attached to it. Some people, believe it or not, actually did not enjoy living in Jefferson. This seems to be an outlet for them.
People still living in Jtown should take a minute or two and listen tom their complaints. Don't automatically assume everything is perfect in Jefferson and nothing can be improved upon.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walked into a bar. The bartender said, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Man at the bar gets up out of his seat. The bartender asks if he is leaving and would like to pay his tab. The patron says, "No, I'm just going to the bathroom to take a Perry."
The bartender says, "Don't forget to wipe your Carroll."
A bear walks into a bar, and says, "bartender, make me a gin and ......... tonic."
The bartender says, "OK, but why the pause?
The bear looks at his hands. "Because I'm a bear, you dope."
A toothless termite walks into the bar, and says "Is the bartender here?"
An arctic seal walks into a bar.
"What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything except a Canadian Club," the seal replies.
A cowboy walks into a bar. His vest is made of black crepe paper. So are his shirt, chaps, and jeans.
Pretty soon the sheriff shows up and arrests him for rustling.
A guy walks into a bar. "Bartender, do you have any helicopter-flavored chips?" he asks. The bartender says, "Sorry, we only have plane."
A penguin walks into the bar and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "What's he look like?"
Shecky Green used to say that Frank Sinatra was the nicest man he had ever met. In fact, Frank had saved his life. Once, when a couple thugs were beating him up within an inch of his life, he overheard Frank in the background saying, "OK, boys, that's enough ..."
A man walks into Larry's Lounge the other day and approaches Larry. "What's the quickest way to get to the high school?" he asks.
Larry says, "Are you walking or driving?" The man replies, "Driving."
"That's the quickest way," Larry answered.
A grasshopper walks into the bar. The bartender says, "You're a popular guy around here. We even have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
Here's a 7.5 on the uncomfortable local humor Richter scale.
Mid 1970's 3 local guys are walking along the south side of the square, minding their own business. One of them, a bit of a ladies' man, 50-55 years old, notices an attractive young lady a block away, walking towards them.
He exclaims to his friends, "Look at those knockers!" As she gets close, he starts turning many shades of red. The gal with the knockers is his daughter!
His friends let him off the hook and make no endless, derisive comments.
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